Daily Grind for the Weekly Reader

Daily Grind, Week 177: This Mortal Coil

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 14:17:04 GMT

Terebinth, Page 705: Solo Adventures

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 16:26:09 GMT

Terebinth, Page 704: Solo Adventures

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 13:55:56 GMT

Daily Grind, Week 176: This Mortal Coil

Sat, 12 Jul 2008 14:23:14 GMT

Terebinth, Page 703: Solo Adventures

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 14:51:22 GMT

Terebinth, Page 702: Solo Adventures

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 14:12:25 GMT

Terebinth, Page 701: Solo Adventures

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 14:13:26 GMT

Daily Grind, Week 175: This Mortal Coil

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 15:39:19 GMT

Terebinth, Page 700: Solo Adventures

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:22:42 GMT

Page 700:

Of Terebinth is more than quadruple sized, so for safety's sake, I'm positioning it behind one of these "LiveJournal cut" things.

Terebinth, Page 699: Solo Adventures

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:20:31 GMT

     Please click on the title card there to be transported
directly over to the penultimate page of Wardell's adventure.  Thank you.

                          Mike

Daily Grind, Week 174: This Mortal Coil

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 14:23:35 GMT

A Book Meme

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 00:06:02 GMT

Here's one I saw:

On chibiqueen's page.

"The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed."
1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Strike out the books you have no intention of ever reading, or were forced to read at school and hated.
5) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them

In my case, the "strike outs" are for books that I haven't read and can't imagine I'll ever have the time for since I get all these new books mailed to me every week. The only one on the list that I've tried to read and was completely unable to is #82.

Mike

1. ~~Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen~~
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 ~~Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte~~
4 The Harry Potter Series - JK Rowling (I got a chapter and a half into the 6th book and realized that I no longer cared who any of these people were and what they were doing. So I stopped.)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible (I've read big chunks of it, but never cover to cover.)
7 ~~Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte~~
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman (I finished the first book, then realized that, as with Harry Potter, I didn't care about any of the characters. So I never went on with the others.)
10 ~~Great Expectations - Charles Dickens~~
11 ~~Little Women - Louisa M Alcott~~
12 ~~Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy~~
13 ~~Catch 22 - Joseph Heller~~
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (many but not all)
15 ~~Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier~~
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 ~~Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks~~
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 ~~Middlemarch - George Eliot~~
21 ~~Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell~~
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 ~~Bleak House - Charles Dickens~~
24 ~~War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy~~
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams (the radio series is the best, but the books are OK, too)
26 ~~Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh~~
27 ~~Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky~~
28 ~~Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck~~
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 ~~Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy~~
32 ~~David Copperfield - Charles Dickens~~
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 ~~Emma - Jane Austen~~
35 ~~Persuasion - Jane Austen~~
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (umm, this is included in #33 above, actually...)
37 ~~The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini~~
38 ~~Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres~~ (Because I am pedantic, I will point out that this is the title of the movie; the book is simply called Corelli's Mandolin)
39 ~~Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden~~
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 ~~The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown~~
43 ~~One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez~~
44 ~~A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving~~
45 ~~The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins~~
46 ~~Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery~~
47 ~~Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy~~
48 ~~The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood~~
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 ~~Atonement - Ian McEwan~~
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 ~~Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons~~
54 ~~Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen~~
55 ~~A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth~~
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 ~~Brave New World - Aldous Huxley~~
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 ~~Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez~~
61 ~~Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck~~
62 ~~Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov~~
63 ~~The Secret History - Donna Tartt~~
64 ~~The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold~~
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 ~~On The Road - Jack Kerouac~~
67 ~~Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy~~
68 ~~Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding~~
69 ~~Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie~~
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville (I have very elaborate plans to read this book aloud over the course of a weekend someday, leaping about the house and essentially acting the whole thing out. I doubt this will ever happen, but one never knows, do one?)
71 ~~Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens~~
72 ~~Dracula - Bram Stoker~~
73 ~~The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett~~
74 ~~Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson~~
75 ~~Ulysses - James Joyce~~
76 ~~The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath~~
77 ~~Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome~~
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 ~~Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray~~
80 ~~Possession - AS Byatt~~
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 ~~Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell~~
83 ~~The Color Purple - Alice Walker~~
84 ~~The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro~~
85 ~~Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert~~
86 ~~A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry~~
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 ~~The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom~~
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 ~~The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton~~
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 ~~The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks~~
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 ~~A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole~~
96 ~~A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute~~
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (included in #14 above, of course)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. ~~Les Miserables - Victor Hugo~~

Terebinth, Page 698: Solo Adventures

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:01:41 GMT

     Please click on the title card there to be transported
directly over to the next page of Wardell's adventure.  Thank you.

                          Mike

Narbonic Radio Script

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:41:49 GMT

Today:

While looking for something else entirely, I came across a book that I thought I'd lost years ago: Mu Press's collection of Daniel Pinkwater and Tony Auth's marvelous comic strip Norb. And now that I've sat down and read the thing cover to cover again, I feel I must celebrate.

So behind the cut, you'll find the script I put together some years ago for the first episode of a radio series based on Shaenon Garrity's marvelous comic strip Narbonic.

See, I've done this radio program once a week for the past 24 years. And when I discovered Narbonic, I wrote to Ms. Garrity and asked her if she'd mind me turning it into a radio series. She said she didn't mind at all, and I set to work.

We actually got as far as recording the voice tracks for this first episode--you can see the credits at the end. But it turns out that me and brainflak and his computer aren't exactly the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, so after spending a couple months mixing sound effects and getting as far as the third scene--right where Dave passes out after drinking the poisoned coffee--we realized that life was pulling at us too strongly, and the project was unhappily abandoned.

Still, I got three scripts done for it. And here's the first of them.

Mike

Narbonic Episode 1 Cast List

Dean of the college

Student1

Dave Davenport

Narrator

Student2

Mell Kelly

Mini Dave Devil

Mini Dave Angel

Mini Dave Common Sense

Mini Dave Teen

Mini Dave Social Life

Helen Narbon

FBI Agent

Antonio Smith

Dr. Noah




MFX:		fade in on the end of "Pomp and Circumstance"

SFX:		medium crowd walla, fades as Dean begins to speak

Dean:		Welcome, graduates.  As dean of the college, it has been
		my singular pleasure to follow this remarkable class
		through four years.  And it heartens me to look ahead and
		consider the bright future each and every one of you will
		create, using your disciplines to improve our world.
		Except, of course, for the computer-science majors.
		They're more likely to perpetuate evil.

Student1:	Look alive, Dave.  She's talking about you.

Dave:		Just because I got that interview with Microsoft...

MFX:		trombone and flute riff from Shostakovich's 9th, 1st
		movement, under:

Narrator:	Narbonic, by Shaenon K. Garrity.  Episode One: The Job
		Interview.

SFX:		smaller crowd walla, glasses clinking, folks laughing,
		etc.

MFX:		"We Have Explosive" quietly in background

Dave:		Can you believe the nerve of the Dean?  Accusing us of
		using our computer skills for evil!

Student2:	Well, I did sell my soul for a Quake skin...

Dave:		Yeah, but that doesn't really count!  I mean, when is
		the stereotyping gonna end?

Student1:	You're right!  We should crash the campus ISP!

Student2:	What, again?

Mell:		Excuse me--

Student2:	(sotto) Whoa!  Babe alert!

Mell:		My employer is looking for a recent grad with a computer
		degree.  Any of you familiar with doomsday machines?

Dave:		Are we talking the kind hooked up to an engine of mass
		destruction, or the kind that releases a devastating
		virus?

Mell:		Are you prepared to work with both?

Dave:		Yes, but I've got less experience writing the virus
		interface.

Mell:		Maybe you'll do.  Here's our card; come by tomorrow and
		we'll do the interview.  Bye!

Dave:		(beat) Y'know, I believe I just severely undermined my
		argument.

Student1:	You had an argument?

SFX:		doorbell rings

Student2:	Looks like the pizzas're here.

Student1:	C'mon, Dave.

Dave:		Yeah, I'll...I'll be there in a minute.

SFX:		crinkle of business card being handled

Dave:		(sotto) Hmmmm...  "Narbonics Research."

SFX:		bubble popping

MDDevil:	Hey, hey!  Another job interview!

SFX:		bubble popping

MDAngel:	For a company that wants to build doomsday machines!
		Evil, Dave!  Evil!

SFX:		bubble popping

MDSense:	Although he could take this job temporarily to pay off
		student loans...

MDDevil:	Dave's Common Sense!  Long time, no see!

MDAngel:	Back off!  This is strictly a moral dilemma!  Mini flying
		angels and devils only!

SFX:		bubble popping

MDTeen:		Au contraire!  As the part of Dave that never left high
		school, I submit that this "job" is an elaborate plot to
		embarrass me in front of Stacey Lee!

MDSense:	Now, this chart shows a comparison between Dave's
		current debt and his ability to purchase DVDs.

MDDevil:	Impressive...

SFX:		bubble popping

MDLife:		Hell with this!  I say we join this company on the
		grounds that it has babes!

All MDs:	(gasp) It's Dave's Social Life!

MDDevil:	We gave you up for dead!

MDLife:		I took a sabbatical.  You think I want to live in Dave
		24-7?

Dave:		(sighs) See, this is why I try not to think...

MFX:		trombone and flute riff

SFX:		doorknob rattles and door opens

Dave:		Uhh, is this Narbonic Labs?

Mell:		Come on in!

SFX:		door closes

Dave:		Sorry, I just didn't expect people who want to build
		doomsday machines to have a 3rd floor office next door to
		a dentist.

Mell:		(laughs) Oh, we don't want to build doomsday machines!

Dave:		You don't?  But...from the way you talked yesterday--
		(laughs) Oh, I can't believe I took you seriously!  This
		is such a relief!

Mell:		See, we already have a doomsday machine.  We just
		want you to debug it.

Dave:		(beat) Do you mind if I smoke?  About three packs
		oughtta do it...

Mell:		Go right ahead.  We'd just like you to fill out this form
		before you go in for the interview.

SFX:		paper rustling

Dave:		Er...why do you people want to know my blood type?

Mell:		It's just a formality.

Dave:		My blood pressure?

Mell:		Formality.

Dave:		My fertility level?

Mell:		Formality.

Dave:		The quality of my liver and pancreas? (beat) I said, the
		quality of my--?

Mell:		Look, sometimes we need spare parts!  You're supposed to
		be answering the questions, not asking them!

Dave:		O....K....

SFX:		rustling of papers

Dave:		Here you go.

Mell:		Then we're ready for your interview!  You can go on in
		now.

Dave:		Thank you.

SFX:		rattle of doorknob, door creaking open...and a huge
		explosion, fire crackling, the works

Dave:		"Can" and "should" are different words, aren't they?

Mell:		Funny, that's what I said at my interview, too.  Go on.

Dave:		Umm, OK...

SFX:		shoes crunching over burned and shattered wood.

Dave:		(clears throat) Hello?

Helen:		It imploded!  The darn thing imploded and now the darn
		gerbils are loose!  This was not in the manual!  And
		look at this mess!  Circuit boards and mutant gerbils
		everywhere!  Oh, of all the--!

SFX:		deep squeaking, chains rattling

Helen:		Bad gerbil!  Get over here!

SFX:		more deep squeaking and chains rattling

Helen:		You see this mess?  This is from you critters chewing
		the wires on my nice new doomsday machine!  And don't
		think I don't see you over there, Cage A23!  If I catch
		one more giant rodent throwing shavings at my intern,
		I'll--!

SFX:		more deep squeaking, chains rattling, big claws
		scampering

Helen:		Oof!  Don't you yank your chain out of my hand when I'm
		talking to you!

Dave:		Ummm...

Helen:		Are you the alfalfa delivery man?  Tell me you're the
		alfalfa delivery man!

Dave:		Actually, I'm here for a...job interview?

Helen:		Oh!  Hi!  I'll be your boss!

Dave:		I'll be backing away slowly.  You validate parking?

Helen:		I--

SFX:		squeaking, rattling, scrabbling

Helen:		No, A23!  Don't you dare lay a claw on--!

SFX:		electricity fizzing, gerbils squeaking more intently

Helen:		Bad mutant gerbils! (her voice fades) There'll be no
		Rice Krispies treats for any of you tonight!

SFX:		quick steps over broken glass

Dave:		She's a mad scientist!  You didn't tell me I'd be
		working for a mad scientist!

Mell:		I told you she was working on a doomsday machine.

Dave:		Yeah, well, so was the rep from Microsoft!  But giant
		gerbils?  I mean, you've got to draw the line somewhere!

Mell:		Yep, you're a computer guy, all right...

Helen:		(approaching) Mell, can you fetch your whip, please?

Mell:		Sure, Helen.  Oh, this is Dave Davenport.  He's here
		for the job.

Helen:		So he said.  Well, I'm Helen Narbon, and this is Mell,
		my intern.

Dave:		(beat) Mad scientists have interns?

Mell:		I'm an evil intern.

Dave:		Oh, come on--

Mell:		Relax.  Here.  Have some evil coffee.

SFX:		desk door slides open, a whip cracks

Mell:		Now, if you'll excuse me?

SFX:		whip cracks

Mell:		(fading out) Back to your cages, you unnatural
		monstrosities!

Helen:		Yes, here at Narbonics Labs, we take pride in the
		advancement of evil science.

Dave:		So I can see. (sips coffee) And while the job sounds
		fascinating, Ms. Narbon, well, I have to admit I
		have...reservations.

Helen:		Really?

SFX:		gerbils squeaking and scrabbling, whips cracking, random
		crashing noises

Mell:		(in background) Back!  Back, I say!

Helen:		Why's that?

Dave:		(sips coffee) Call me a naive college boy, but I was
		hoping not to immediately throw my lot in with the
		forces of insanity and darkness. (sips coffee) Plus,
		this coffee is decaf.

Mell:		I told you it was evil coffee.

SFX:		clattering and slamming of desk drawer

Mell:		That'll show those gerbils.

Dave:		Wait.  You served me decaf coffee just to be "evil"?

Helen:		Let me apologize on behalf of Narbonics Labs.  My intern
		is not behaving appropriately.  Mell, you know I expect
		better from you.

Mell:		I'm sorry, Helen.

Helen:		Next time, I want to see real evil.  At least irradiate
		the coffee!

Mell:		But we're out of plutonium!

Dave:		(sotto) The sad thing is, I'm still considering this
		job...

Helen:		I'm beginning to worry, Mell.  Perhaps you lack a truly
		devious spirit...

Mell:		I'm only an evil intern.  I'm still learning.

Dave:		(groans)

SFX:		body slumping to the floor

Helen:		But learning quickly!

Mell:		If he ever wakes up, he'll thank me for the object
		lesson.

MFX:		trombone and flute riff

Dave:		(groans)

Helen:		Hey there!  All your neurons still firing?

Dave:		Wha...what happened?

Helen:		Mell poisoned your coffee.  She does that.  You were out
		for three hours.

Dave:		Are you saying I spent the better part of an afternoon
		completely at the mercy of two mentally unhinged young
		women?

Helen:		We prefer to be known as "mad."

Dave:		(beat, then sotto) I'd complain more if I hadn't been
		praying for a scenario like this since I was fifteen...

Helen:		Another cup?

Dave:		Look, I'm...I'm sorry, Dr. Narbon, but I don't think this
		is the job for me.

Helen:		But we haven't even gotten to the interview!

Dave:		Interview?  Desperate college grad I may be, but after
		being blown up, knocked out, and gnawed by a mutant
		gerbil, even I don't stay for the interview!

Helen:		I did apologize for the coffee being decaf, and I wrote
		up all these great interview questions...

Dave:		Is...is that my Palm Pilot that gerbil's eating?

Helen:		I mean, listen. (clears throat) Question One: which
		appendage would you least mind having sawed off and
		pickled?

Dave:		No offense, but right now, I'd like to run as fast and
		far away as possible.

Helen:		(sighs) Well, I'm sorry you don't want the job.  You're
		free to go.

Dave:		Thanks.  I'll find my own way out.

Agent:		(through bullhorn) Helen Narbon!  We know you and your
		henchmen are in there!  First one to surrender only gets
		their head shot off!

Dave:		(beat) But first, another cup of coffee?

Helen:		Drat!  Those police are so pesky!  Dave, how are you with
		a flamethrower?

Mell:		(approaching) Uhh, not to alarm anybody, but the lab's
		surrounded by cops.

Helen:		We noticed.

Dave:		Aren't you supposed to have an underground fortress or
		something?

Helen:		With today's lease rates?

Dave:		Well, what about thugs?  Evil geniuses should at least
		have thugs!

Mell:		I think there's still some napalm in the fridge--

Dave:		You're a terrible mad scientist, you know that?

Agent:		(through bullhorn) Helen Narbon!  This is the FBI!  We
		have you surrounded!

Helen:		FBI?  Uh-oh.  This is about my manifesto, isn't it?

Mell:		I told you not to publish it!

Helen:		Well, I just don't see what all the fuss is!  A manifesto
		is standard mad scientist protocol!

Mell:		It needed editing.

Helen:		All I did was threaten to unleash giant mutant gerbils
		upon Washington D.C. unless the U.S. government agreed
		to my demands!

Dave:		Did any of these demands involve cedar shavings and
		alfalfa pellets?

Helen:		Only the first 13 clauses.

Mell:		And you misspelled "carnage."  Twice!

Agent:		(through bullhorn) Helen Narbon!

Helen:		Oh, now, really!

SFX:		window sliding open

Agent:		(through bullhorn) Come out with your hands up!

Helen:		(shouting) Forget it!  I'm clean!

Agent:		(through bullhorn) You are charged with publishing a
		manifesto in which you threaten to destroy Washington
		with mutant gerbils!

Helen:		(shouting) You'll never prove it was me!

Agent:		(without bullhorn) Professor Smith, how certain are your
		forensic techniques?

Smith:		(wimpy voice) Er, I have the document here...

SFX:		papers rustling

Smith:		(reading) "The Gerbil Manifesto, by Helen B. Narbon.
		Based on a concept by Helen B. Narbon."

Agent:		(through bullhorn) You're going down, Narbon!

Smith:		(reading) "For more information on the care of mutant
		gerbils, contact Helen B. Narbon at the following
		address..."

SFX:		window sliding shut

Helen:		Looks like we have to prepare for a standoff.  Mell,
		how's our armory?

Mell:		Um, I've got our big bazooka here, and I have at least
		one suggestion for future arms' purchases.

SFX:		water squirting

Dave:		(sputtering) Hey!

Mell:		Hasbro really isn't a reputable firearms manufacturer.

Dave:		You put out my cigarette!

MFX:		trombone and flute riff

Agent:		(without bullhorn) Professor Smith, are you sure the
		woman in that building is the author of the Gerbil
		Manifesto?

Smith:		Absolutely.  My computer finds a 98% correlation between
		the Manifesto and the writing of one Helen B. Narbon.

Agent:		I dunno...  Something in me can't put faith in these
		brainy modern methods.  We're up against an evil genius
		here.  When you're facing a threat this big, you need
		more than fancy figures and computer readouts.  You
		need...a hero.

Smith:		Well, then, I'd say that this looks like another case
		for--

SFX:		whipping of cloth

Smith:		(hero voice) Antonio Smith, Forensic Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Agent:		Umm, Professor?  What's with the slouch-brim hat and
		trenchcoat?

Smith:		Sorry, ma'am.

SFX:		Batman-style grappling hook gun being fired

Smith:		But I answer to a higher calling.

Agent:		I'll admit that was a nice shot with the grappling hook
		gun there, Professor, but stopping Dr. Narbon from
		carrying out her threats is our job!

Smith:		Threats, nothing!  Have you seen her grammar?  Spelling
		"its" with an apostrophe even when it's not a
		contraction!  Using "bring" when she means "take!"  I
		counted 23 dangling participles!  If our nation's
		criminals are allowed to bully us with this abuse of
		language, all my tenure is for nothing!  "Give with thy
		trumpet a loud note to Troy, thou dreadful Ajax!"

Agent:		(beat) I think I have to lay down.

Smith:		It's "lie down!"

SFX:		creak of rope

Smith:		(fading) And don't you worry your lovely head over
		Antonio Smith, Forensic Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

SFX:		creak of rope, gust of wind

Smith:		(sotto) 11</u>:33AM, Eastern Standard.  Once again I find
		myself scaling the face of a building in pursuit of a mad
		scientist bent on world domination.  And I've got the
		relevant text to prove it.  My mind drifts back to Henry
		VI, Part I: "My breast I'll burst with straining of my
		courage/And from my shoulders crack my arms asunder./But
		I will chastise this high-minded strumpet"  Talbot, Act
		I, natch.  But what the hell.  It's just another day in
		the life of Antonio Smith, Forensic Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Dave:		There's a trenchcoated man quoting Shakespeare on the
		window ledge below us....

Mell:		One of these balloons contains water, one sulfuric acid.
		Want to find out which is which?

Helen:		(approaching) Trenchcoated man quoting Shakespeare?

SFX:		window sliding open

Helen:		It's true!  We're up against Antonio Smith, Forensic
		Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Dave:		Antonio what?

Helen:		He's the scourge of the evil literati!  Leave just one
		sample of your writing at the scene, and he can track you
		down!

Mell:		OK, hands up everyone here who said it wasn't too bright
		to publish a 300 page manifesto of death?

Helen:		They say he's a mild-mannered English professor by
		day...until driven to action by some deep injustice!

Smith:		(shouting) Run-on sentences, too, Narbon?  You'll pay for
		this!  Oh, yes, you'll pay!

SFX:		window sliding shut

Helen:		I can't believe the most dread linguist on Earth is
		coming to destroy us!  We've got to prepare!

Mell:		Gotcha.  You get the giant rotating blade going, and I'll
		test our old grenades.

Helen:		That can wait!  Before we do anything, you vacuum the
		front hall!  Dave, you polish the steel operating table
		and manacles!

Mell:		Housework?  Now?

Helen:		This is Antonio Smith, Forensic Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Helen:		You want him to see a sloppy lab?

SFX:		vacuum cleaner starting up

Mell:		I hate reasoning that gets in the way of me chucking
		grenades.

Helen:		You never think you'll get a hero, and when you do, the
		place is a mess!

SFX:		snap of rubber gloves

Helen:		I'm going to scrub the toilet.  Dave, the polish is in
		the cabinet under the--

SFX:		crash of window breaking

Smith:		Down, down, unruly jade!

Helen:		Cripes!  It's Antonio Smith, Forensic Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Helen:		You traced the threatening skywriting over Berlin to
		Baron von Baronoff, identified the source of Dr.
		Demonic's poisoned junk mail, and figured out which crime
		lord left graffiti on the Moon!

Smith:		That's right!  And I'm about to take you in for writing
		the Gerbil Manifesto!

Helen:		Oh, poo.

Mell:		Can you dissect my deranged ramblings next?

Helen:		Now, Mell, he's a busy man.  Run into the lab and get my
		camera, would you?  And, sir, please, could I get your
		autograph?

Smith:		Well, seeing as how I've already analyzed yours, I can't
		very well say no, can I?

Helen:		Oh, wonderful!  Let me get my autograph book!

SFX:		door opens and closes

Mell:		All right, Helen.  What's the plan?

Helen:		Plan?

Smith:		(from next room) Murder will out, Narbon!  Twenty
		seconds for autographs and photos, then I cry havoc and
		let slip the dogs of war here!

Helen:		(sighs) Yes, I suppose this situation calls for a plan.
		So, while Mell disarms Antonio Smith, Forensic Linguist--

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Dave:		Where is that coming from?

Helen:		--I run for the gerbil pens and release my fiercest man-
		eaters.  Dave, meanwhile, will repair the doomsday
		machine and trigger a cataclysm.  You got that, Mell?

Mell:		Yup.  Got it, Dave?

Dave:		Yup.

SFX:		door crashing open, running feet

Dave:		(fading) For the love of God, Mr. Smith!  Save me!

Helen:		(beat) Y'know, I'm starting to think that he doesn't
		really want this job...

MFX:		trombone and flute riff

Dave:		(out of breath) Antonio Smith!  Thank goodness you're
		here!  You've got to save me from these deranged harpies!
		You--

SFX:		cocking of big gun

Smith:		Got a hostage!

Dave:		No!  Look, I--

SFX:		grappling hook gun fires, ropes slinging and tying

Dave:		Wow...  Your grappling hook gun fires ropes, too?  And
		how do you get them to tie themselves like this?

Smith:		Narbon!  Surrender, or I'll be forced to injure your
		henchman!

Dave:		Surrender, Helen!  Surrender!

SFX:		door opens

Helen:		Ha!  Little do you know he's not even my henchman!

Dave:		No!  Wait!  I'll take the job!

Helen:		At minimum wage?  No benefits?

Dave:		Yes!  Yes!

Helen:		Ha!  Little do you know all my henchmen have vowed to lay
		down their lives for me!

Dave:		I want to renegotiate my contract.

Smith:		Enough of this, Narbon!  This is your last chance!  Turn
		yourself in and no one gets hurt!

Helen:		Never!  You think I can be moved by the plight of a mere
		computer technician?  Do your worst!

SFX:		grappling hook gun firing

Helen:		Ah.  What I meant to say, obviously, was, "Do your worst
		to Dave."

Smith:		The dangers of non-specific speech, Ms. Narbon.  Now to
		set you both on this conveyer belt and flip this switch...

SFX:		buzzsaw starting up

Dave:		Did you have to keep a giant rotating blade set up in
		your office?

Smith:		This should draw your other henchman out, and--

Mell:		Hold it right there, Mr. Smith!  What you see in my hand
		is a high-tech device manufactured only by Narbonics
		Labs!  Now, step away from Dr. Narbon and pray you never
		find out what it does.

Helen:		Mell!  You found my gerbil inseminator!  Where was it?

Mell:		(sotto) You know, sometimes I question whether this is
		really worth half a college credit...

Helen:		Was it under the chemical sink?  I told you so!

Mell:		Fine!

SFX:		inseminator clattering to the floor

Mell:		You just back off, linguist!  Mell Kelly isn't an intern
		you want to tangle with!  I'm trained to protect and
		serve Dr. Narbon, and I'm willing to defend the half
		credit I get to the death!

Smith:		Half a credit?  Are you aware that you can get a full
		credit and stipend interning for a forensic linguist?

Mell:		(beat) Well, I'm not trained very well...

Helen:		Your paid bus fare is over, Mell!

Smith:		I have the paperwork right here.

Mell:		(fading out) And I've got pens in my desk!  A perfect
		combination!

Dave:		I can't believe Mell abandoned us!

Helen:		She has a duplicitous soul.  It's why I hired her.

Dave:		(shouting) Mell!  Quit acting like a heartless traitor
		and come back to the side of evil! (sigh, then quieter)
		I'm sorry, but that still sounds wrong.

Helen:		You adjust.  Now, if you'll use your cigarette to burn
		through the ropes around my wrists?

Dave:		Ah!  Clever!  With your hands free, you'll be able to
		untie your legs!  Lemme just bend down here...

SFX:		crackling of fire, then ropes snapping

Helen:		Well done!

Dave:		Now you can free me, and we can escape together!

Helen:		(fading) Sorry, Dave, but you lost me there.

Dave:		(beat) Oh, yeah.  I forgot the part where you're pure
		evil...

Smith:		(approaching) So, Dr. Narbon.  Ready to--?  Hmm, got
		away, did she?  Well, at least you won't escape the
		rotating blade of justice.

Dave:		No!  Wait!  This has all been a huge mistake!

Smith:		Sorry, son.  Shouldn't have been working for evil.

Dave:		But I'm not!  I just came here for a job interview!  I
		didn't know the place was full of mad scientists and
		interns!

Smith:		Then I genuinely feel for you, son.  You have any last
		wishes?

Dave:		I wish I'd signed up with that temp agency like Mom told
		me to!

Smith:		I did that.  Ended up here.  Que sera sera, eh?

Dave:		No!  Wait! (sotto) OK, uhh, reverse psychology! (aloud)
		Uhh, please, Mr. Forensic Linguist!  Please feed me to
		the circular bandsaw!

Smith:		Really?

Dave:		Oh, yes!  There's nothing I love so much as being sliced
		in two by an enormous blade!

Smith:		Huh.  That's very Freudian, you know. (fading) Still,
		follow your bliss, son.

Dave:		No!  I...I changed my mind!  I don't like it when
		Freudian things happen to me!  Hey!  Hey!

SFX:		buzzsaw gets louder and louder

Dave:		Well, this is it, then.  Nothing but a miracle can save me now!  
		That's right!  Only a miracle!  Something really spectacular!  
		Yeah! (beat) Any time now!  Anyone!  Any little miracle at all!  
		Any--!

SFX:		whooshing of air

Helen:		Perhaps a beautiful young mad scientist swinging down on
		a rope from the rafters?

Dave:		Cutting it a little close, weren't we?

Helen:		Hmmph!  You could at least point out how cool I look...

MFX:		trombone and flute riff

Dave:		Even though it was your fault I almost got killed, thanks
		for saving my life.

Helen:		I was pretty spectacular, wasn't I?  Now, get busy fixing
		my doomsday machine, or I'll be forced to use this on
		you.

Dave:		(laughs) Uh, Mell already tried that, remember?  I know
		that thing's just a gerbil inseminator.

Helen:		You want to give birth to gerbils in six weeks? (beat)
		See, unlike me, Mell is still in evil training...

Dave:		Fine.  Just hand me a wrench.

SFX:		snap of panels being opened

Dave:		So, umm, how's this doomsday machine supposed to work,
		anyway?

Helen:		Not sure.  I made it from a kit.

SFX:		rustle of papers being unfolded

Helen:		The manual is pretty badly translated from the Japanese,
		but apparently it'll cause some huge calamity.  I figure
		whatever it is, it'll be enough to deter even Antonio
		Smith, Forensic Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Dave:		And the possible obliteration of the Earth is just a
		pesky side issue?

Helen:		In my line of work, you learn to cope.  Now, how's it
		look inside there?

Dave:		Not good.  Smoking circuitry, torn wiring, puddles of
		what appear to be highly flammable substances...

Helen:		Um, not be a tyrannical boss, but there are reasons
		Narbonics Labs encourages a non-smoking policy for our
		employees...

Dave:		Hmmph!  You're just like the people at the paper mill!

Helen:		Safety is always a priority in mad science, Dave.  Not a
		very high priority, but still, I'd hate to see my
		doomsday machine blow up any more than it already has.
		(claps her hands) So, here's the new plan.  You fix the
		machine, and I'll run for the gerbil pens while Mell
		covers me.

Dave:		What?  How mad are you?  In the first place, that's
		pretty much the same plan you had earlier, and in the
		second, Mell isn't working for us now, remember?  She
		defected to Antonio Smith, Forensic Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Smith:		Hmmm...  Someone's talking about me.  Your former
		colleagues must be nearby.

Mell:		So, how sweet a deal is it, interning for a forensic
		linguist?

Smith:		Up to 3 units of credit, flat stipend, travel costs...
		Of course, I will require you to write a 300 word essay
		on what you've learned after each semester.

Mell:		Hi-ya!

SFX:		fists smacking against flesh

Smith:		Ow!  Hey!  Come back here with my gun!

Mell:		Oh, well.  I wasn't cut out for the side of good anyway.

Smith:		(fading) I'll make my own coffee!

SFX:		running feet, door opens and slams shut

Mell:		Hi, guys!  I miss anything?

Helen:		Not really.  Get out the grenades, would you?

Mell:		No need: I swiped a piece from Professor Smith!

Helen:		Fine.  But, Mell, if I see any quadruple-crossing, you're
		off the evil side.

Dave:		I'm going to file this under "I don't get women" and
		leave it, I think...

Smith:		Narbon!

SFX:		door slams open, loud gun shots

Smith:		(shouting) My good friends Smith & Wesson want a word
		with you!  Then you've got an appointment with my pals
		Strunk & White!

Mell:		Eat your words, Antonio Smith!

SFX:		more gun fire

Helen:		Hurry, Dave!  You've got to get the doomsday machine
		working before--

SFX:		pounding against the wall

Helen:		Oh no.  It's happened!

Dave:		What monstrosity is it this time?

Helen:		The dentist next door.

Noah:		(yelling through door) This time I'm calling the
		landlord, Narbon!  I run a respectable dental practice,
		and I'm sick of your shenanigans disturbing my patients!

Helen:		Sorry, Dr. Noah!  It's just these pesky forces of good--

Noah:		(through the door) No more excuses!

SFX:		door opens

Noah:		(in the room) At this point, there's nothing you can give
		me to stop me from going straight to our landlord and--

SFX:		ka-chink of a pin being pulled from a grenade, whistling
		as it flies through the air, explosion

Helen:		Shame on you, Mell.  He was a valued neighbor.

Mell:		I wore braces with orange bands because of him!  Now, if
		I can get back to business here...

SFX:		more gun shots, then the rumble and whoosh of the
		doomsday machine starting up

Dave:		OK, so we've got basic power to the doomsday machine.

Helen:		Great!  Now we can find out what it does.

SFX:		click and "poit" of a button being pushed, then a tiny
		thunder crash and the lightest pitter-patter of rain

Helen:		It's a weather controller!  And such a cute little
		rain cloud it's formed over your head!

Dave:		This may require some calibration...

MFX:		trombone and flute riff

SFX:		pitter-patter of rain, then a tiny thunderclap

Dave:		Ow!

Helen:		You got that weather machine working yet, Dave?

Dave:		I refuse to dignify that with a response.

Mell:		We need hail, Dave, and pronto.

Dave:		But how?  Every time I try to crawl out to the main
		switch, that linguist shoots at me!

Mell:		No problem!  I'll run around the other side of our
		blockade and create a diversion.  While he's after me,
		you run for the switch.

Helen:		That's a pretty good plan.

Mell:		Thanks!

Helen:		The only part that worries me is the diversion.

Mell:		Nah, it'll be fun.  Dave!  Throw me your underwear!  I'll
		take care of Antonio Smith, Forensic Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Mell:		(laughs sotto) I love that!  No, calm down, Mell.  This
		is a dangerous mission, but it's one I chose.  Can't
		freeze up.  Gotta wait for--  Ah, there he is.  Right,
		here goes--

SFX:		leaping out from behind cover

Mell:		Hey!  Antonio Smith! (sings) "I got 36 expressions, sweet
		as pie and tough as leather!  Oh, I'm the greatest
		star...!"

Dave:		(whispers) Her distraction tactic is singing highlights
		from "Funny Girl" while wearing my boxers on her head?

Helen:		(whispers) Don't complain: it seems to be working.

Smith:		So, young intern.  A final duel, is it?

Mell:		That's right.  This is where we find out who's quicker on
		the trigger and faster on the fly!

SFX:		gun cocking

Smith:		It would have been more of a challenge if you'd
		remembered to bring a gun.

Mell:		True.  I did, however, bring--

SFX:		rustle of cloth being brandished

Mell:		Dave's underwear!

Smith:		Gah!  Zounds!

SFX:		shoes scrambling, running, then just the lab background

Smith:		Come out, Mell.  I know you're there...  Join me, and we
		will rule the lab together as forensic linguist and
		intern.  The urge to do good is strong within you.
		Mell,...come over to the Light Side!

Mell:		Never!  I'm not like you!

Smith:		Search your heart.  You know it to be true...  You desire
		a stipend and transit coupons...

Mell:		Nooooooo!

Smith:		(sotto) Now, if I were the writer, this whole ugly
		episode would have been a hilarious sendup of "Macbeth."
		Still, one must make do with what one is given...

SFX:		gun cocking

Smith:		It's over, Mell.  Surrender gracefully.

Mell:		Surrender?  Ha!  You underestimate me! (shouts) Helen!
		Throw me the pistol!

SFX:		whistling of air, then a thump

Mell:		Ow!

Smith:		Was it supposed to bounce off your head like that?

Mell:		(shouts) That was going to be the coolest moment of my
		life, Helen, thank you very much!

Helen:		(shouts) Just pick it up and get on with it!

Smith:		Yes.  Please do.

Mell:		Hmmph!

SFX:		gun cocking

Mell:		There!  Your gun barrel pressed into my forehead, and my
		gun barrel pressed into yours!  That's much more like it!

Smith:		Yes.  "Doubtful it stood/As two spent swimmers that do
		cling together/And choke their art."

Mell:		You still harping on that Macbeth thing?

Smith:		I tell you, it would've been great!

Helen:		(shouts) Antonio Smith!  You force my hand!  I have no
		choice now but to release the gerbils!

Smith:		The gerbils?

Helen:		The gerbils!

SFX:		an electronic beep, then a low rumbling and squeaking
		growing louder and louder and louder till it crashes past
		and fades

Smith:		Were they suppose to stampede over her like that?

Helen:		(all wonky) No, Mr. Smith.  I expect you to die...

Smith:		(beat) So, where were we?

Mell:		Guns?  Foreheads?

Smith:		Ah, yes.

MFX:		trombone and flute riff

SFX:		doomsday machine humming

Dave:		There!  That ought to--

Helen:		(approaching out of breath) Dave!  Emergency!

Dave:		Helen?  What happened to you?

Helen:		I opened the pen containing my mutant ur-gerbils, and
		they nearly trampled me to death!  Mell's in a standoff
		with Antonio Smith, so it's up to you to fix the doomsday
		machine before my own evil creations return to finish me
		off! (beat) Golly!  I feel just like a Bond villain!  And
		I like the way the lights are flashing all over the
		console now...

Dave:		Yeah, your leadership's been very inspiring.  But if I
		start the doomsday machine now--

Mell:		(shouts) Push the button, Dave!

Smith:		(shouts) How many ages hence shall this, our lofty scene,
		be acted over--

Dave:		O....K....

SFX:		electronic beep, then a ramping up of whirring and
		rumbling

Helen:		(sniffs) It's so wonderful to watch a project you've
		worked so hard on really blossom...

SFX:		the machine noise rapidly builds, then there's a huge
		explosion--glass shattering; steel being shredded; brick
		collapsing.  This fades into a crackling of fire and a
		lonely whoosh of wind

Dave:		(groans)

Helen:		Dave, you're hired.

Dave:		What...what...what...?

Helen:		Looks like the doomsday machine drew down a massive bolt
		of lightning to incinerate us and destroyed the whole
		building in the process!  You know, I bet with a little
		tinkering, we could get it to really roast us!  Where's
		Mell?

Mell:		(muffled) In here.  Under the rubble.

Helen:		See if you can find my Rolodex, would you?

SFX:		rubble shifting

Helen:		A pretty decent doomsday machine, all in all...

Mell:		Sure did a number on the lab, though.

SFX:		wind whistling, fire burning, a tinkle of glass breaking

Helen:		Oh, yeah.  That.

Mell:		But that just makes it cooler!

Helen:		Now, Mell: we were getting a good rate on that space.

Dave:		I think that explosion blew my cigarette out...

Helen:		Hmph.  I can't say that battling heroes isn't hard on a
		private lab.

Mell:		But still, a victory for mad science!

SFX:		shifting of wreckage

Noah:		Narbon...

Helen:		What?  Who--?

Noah:		It's me...  Dr. Noah, the dentist from next door.  I've
		pulled myself from the rubble to deliver one final
		message.  I've got the landlord on the phone here...
		You've...been...evicted....

Helen:		What?  Give me that!  Hello?

SFX:		phone effect a la Maltese Falcon

Helen:		But this is an outrage!  It's gentrification!
		Discrimination against small business!  I'm calling the
		free press!  Hello?  Hello!

SFX:		muffled dial tone

Mell:		(sighs) Gimme the phone.  I'll order a hoagie for the
		wrap party.

Helen:		Oh, very well.  I just--  Wait.  On the other side of the
		rubble.  Is that--?

Smith:		The wind bites shrewdly as I gaze at the smoking ruin of
		what was once a den of evil and poor sentence
		structure...ruined now thanks to Antonio Smith, Forensic
		Linguist!

MFX:		trumpet riff from "La Suerte de los Tontos"

Smith:		Ah, but what of it?  "The learned pate ducks to the
		golden fool: all is oblique; there's nothing level in our
		cursed natures but direct villainy."  How right you were,
		Timon of Athens!  And now, my work here done, I must hang
		my hat--

SFX:		rustle of clothing

Smith:		(wimpy voice) --and return to my mild-mannered academic
		life.  Life's but a poor player...and so, alas, is
		Antonio Smith...

MFX:		closing bars of "La Suerte de los Tontos"

SFX:		wind in the wreckage

Helen:		He is so cool.

Mell:		We should invite him back when we have a lab again.

Dave:		(beat) I think he stole my lighter.  And...look at my
		jacket!  And my pants!  How...how did this happen?  One
		minute I'm applying for a job, the next minute I'm
		decimating everything within a half-mile radius!  I've...
		I've got to escape this vortex of evil!  I--!  I--!

Helen:		Come on, Dave.  Let's get a beer.

Dave:		Yeah, OK.  But you're paying.

Helen:		See, Mell?  We've got him...

MFX:		last minute or so of Shostakovich's 9th, 1st movement
		under:

Narr:		That was "The Job Interview," episode one of Narbonic by
		Shaenon K. Garrity, adapted for radio by Michael H.
		Payne.
		
		Featured in our cast were kasheri as Helen B.
		Narbon, hawthorntree as Mell and hyniof as
		Dave.  vanmojo played Antonio Smith, brainflak
		was Student #1, dr_strych9 was Student #2, hebisner
		was Dr. Noah, and thetoymaker was the Dean
		and the FBI Agent.

		The sound effects were mixed by brainflak with music
		provided by Dmitri Shostakovich, Sir Edward Elger, Future
		Sounds of London, and the Stan Kenton Orchestra.  The
		program was engineered by Mike Boyle and produced for
		"Hey, Your Nose is on Fire" Industries by Carmen
		Lacertae.

		Narbonic, the comic strip, appears daily at
		www.narbonic.com.  Narbonic, the radio series, is a
		production of KUCI in Irvine.

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Daily Grind, Week 173: This Mortal Coil

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Daily Grind, Week 172: Foreign Correspondence

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Daily Grind, Week 171: Foreign Correspondence

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